Wow. We feel like taking a shower just for typing that.

This Cold Steel™, Two-handed Great Sword infomercial is so undeniable* we couldn’t help but pass it along. Who are we, after all, to stand between you and  ”flick, flick, flick” 6 lbs of pig-slicing cold steel?

“Sure it’s big, but there’s nothing awkward or clumsy about this sword”…just our host. Majesty?? Efficiency? Efficiently accomplishing what, exactly? I don’t want to ruin the ending for you. Actually, I can’t. I haven’t made it that far yet. This is 9+ minutes of medieval, movie-making magick. (medieval, except when they are stabbing barrels of oil in the parking lot, obviously outside on lunch break from their shitty office jobs, and trying really hard not to pretend they’re actually stabbing that over-officious prick Tom from HR.)

*By undeniable, we mean equal parts entertaining, fascinating and, eventually, gruesome. If you are squeamish, please stop watching at the 1:30 mark…before the pig face gets sliced, diced and replayed in super slow-mo. Honestly, what a bizarre selling point. I guess, when you buy the two-handed pork sword, you can break it out at your next World of Warcraft themed Luau and, well, WoW the crowd, if you will. Epic boots are sold separately.